Thank you...

ALL OF YOU!

For all that you do and have done. We would not have survived the turmoil of the past 5 mos without you. The way friends, family and strangers continue to rise at our side overwhelms us. I know I use that word OVERWHELM often but truly is no other way to describe the rush of loving arms we have encountered more than ever in recent months.



I woke this morning forgetting it was even Christmas Eve today. Forgetting I promised Triston we would be shopping buddies today. While rescuing Caden from his pee pee soaked pjs, a hurried bath and yummy bottle at 7 am I felt nothing but quiet. Heard nothing but quiet. The house was frozen. Just he and I sitting in the living room taking the morning in. I felt as if I barely any sleep at all. When will I feel refreshed again? The kind of awake that comforts you for days with a sense of new beginning?



Frozen is what last evening was like. Grayson and I arrived home by 1 pm. By 3 pm I decided to surprise my parents and show up in Roselle. I had that giddy, excited, little girl feeling in my belly. But anytime I get a tad of that feeling (like when I get to see my hubby after days at the hospital or when he returns home from work) it is curbed with the what ifs of Grayson. I glance him over. Recall his last meal and drink. Temperature checks. Is it ok to take him out? Only a few hours? Everyone all well at the house? When was the last time he had his meds? Pack the rest of meds. The list goes on. On top of packing what Triston and Caden would need for a few hour outing. Exhausting just to think about or even attempt but that excitement of seeing my parents overrode that ugh feeling. I gathered what I needed and off we were.



Arrived there around 4:30pm. I cannot put into words the feeling of those hugs from my parents. The kinda hugs you suck in every breath, smell and warmth of. You hold onto it to remember it, that moment, bc you waited months to have it back. And then just like that...we fall into a routine that was never more necessary for me. EVER. The kids run, hug, jump, and play til they collapse. Adults gossip, eat and just chill. Everyone observes and comments how fast they are growing. And of course the infamous thought ---as he keeps up with the big boys---Cancer, huh? Where? You wouldnt even know it. That is HOW AMAZING my boy is. And as I fought back tears, enjoyed the laughs, the pizza the company--- I breathed it in. I purposely touched items and paused in areas in that home reminded of me of where I'd been. I smelled the smells that send tiny smiles through my bloodstream. I munched on sweets the way mom and I munch after dinner. I watched and memorized all the facial expressions I wanted to, needed to, in those moments. I missed them beyond words.

Don't get me wrong...the "CAUTION sign" on Grayson's existence never disappears. I did all of the above WHILE watching him like a hawk. I sure as hell did not want to return to that hospital bc of some stupid injury. Or bloody noses bc of low platelets or a surprise bruise or ...the list goes on. That cautious feeling is heightened when we are around others. Not just adults but other kids. Kids will be kids and G will be a 2 year old...and with that comes rambunctious behaviors and injuries. It's the typical parent worries amplified. And unfortunately, it puts a damper on socialization. But we do what we have to get thru the hard before we get to experience the easy-er. I dont know when it will be completely easy but I imagine it will get easier. And to think prior to July 31, it WAS.

And I will not lie...just because I can feel the happiness and gratitude in these next 24 hours especially, it doesnt mean I dont have episodes of anger and sadness. How could I not? And the question plays over and over in my head-How did Charito and I get here? This place in our lives? I don't understand. That question carries so much grief, anger,despair, pain and uncertainty for us. It creeps up at the worst times. It is evil. That question. It haunts me. So now you know...when I am not thinking positive I am plagued by that question alone. And ultimately followed by that question is the recall of diagnosis day. It is inevitable each and every time. Evil.

But with evil comes good. Like the good, no the GREAT, I have seen in people in recent months.

We are grateful. Grateful for those events we label moments. To have my parents to come home to. A wonderful support system everywhere I turn. Health-ier people in our lives. Happiness to be shared all around. It is what the season is for. To remember it like Triston says, " Jesus was born for me, mom. And God made everything I see." Jesus IS the reason for the season. And I decided today to follow the lead of my big 5 yr old and the innocence behind his version of the tale. It is the simplest. And I need simple. No frills involved when it comes to God's involvement on this eve. Simple understanding and acceptance. Sometimes it is easy to get there and other times not but I AM CHOOSING to get there today. Not sure how long it will last (especially since these kiddos are off their rockers today and it is really, really difficult to maintain sanity without exploding in frustration) but I AM TRYING today. And will continue to remind myself when I can all other day to come. I hope you do, too. Merry blessings to all of you this eve. All my love!