3 rd Batch

Today marks our 18th week of chemo. 18th week of Leukemia. 18th week of all this. We are nearing that 6 mos mark and that moment will be nothing more or less than bittersweet. We are progressing along our journey, yet still wishing to hit the delete button.



I despised some of the thoughts I had on our ride to clinic this morning. There I was, hoping for good counts, goood enough for us to get admitted. Odd, huh? Wishing to be in the hospital for a week? But, if his bone marrow is cooperating even when dumping all this poison into his pipes we hope to stay on track. Meet our finish line someday. I hoped for us to take care of this batch this week not next-too much to miss out on next week. Triston's bday. Christmas concert and holiday party. Events I want to be there for. I cannot disappoint him.

It urked me to put the finishing touches and final words to the little things I prepared for Triston in my absence this week. This weekend I made him a paper train and wrote "___(last name here)_____ Cargo Line" on the freight cars. I told him whenever he is thinking of me or missing me he can look at his train and I am thinking of him. We will remember each other and how much we love each other. I laid out some afterschool activities for him as well.

I ran across this article on facebook: http://www.hybridmom.com/node/1979
It reminds of what us moms do on a daily basis. And MOST days, we are happy to, bc we could not imagine a life without our children. I KNOW now more than ever the truth behind that statement. But I lead the life in that article and then some. My MOST days become MANY days. Days that I hold so many different roles, and at times I can't even keep track of myself along the way. I have noticed that more so the past few weeks. I am emotionally or worriesome -like tired. I am so forgetful lately. That organized being has been lost along the way. It took us forever to get out of the house as a family of 5 on Sunday for my family's Thanksgiving in Roselle. I am out of practice when it comes to adventuring. I ran around like a chicken w my head cut off trying to gather the usual diaper bag stuff plus the Grayson medical stuff. I remember feeling disappointed in myself for the lack of "mommy in me". Will I get over that?

My roles as mommy, cleaner, chef (not so much thanks to friends and frozen Costco dinners), shopper, interpreter, mediator, nurse but without the license, protector, hugger, kisser, clown, fixer, wifey, secretary, doctor-clinic-hospital advocate and personal manager to G, researcher, and doer of special touches to keep my kids sane, loved and safe during this time overlap constantly. And unfortunately, in January, I need to add working mom and spec ed teacher once again to that list.

There is no word big enough to express my fear for that month. I seriously question myself and how I am going to juggle it all. I know I will eventually reach the morning of and get thru it somehow bc we all do what we have to do. But knowing that the day will pass and before I know it I will be home at the dinner table w the day behind me doesnt make it any easier. The flood of anxiety that consumes me just with the simple thought of walking through those doors is overwhelming. The tears want to overflow right along with the thought itself. Facing people, questions, reliving that moment of diagnosis. Real friends there won't ask or confront. I know that. But it's the uncertainty. Not to mention re-entering a world I haven't even thought of, literally, in months. Any other maternity leave I have touched base for info on my students (even completed the report cards from my home) but this time it is more than different. It is another world I feel so unfamiliar with. A life I used to know and am forced to return to. Insurance just isnt fair when it comes to cancer that is for sure. How am I going to even be half as good as I was? How? I have been proud of myself as a teacher (in the past few yrs), confident in my strategies and implementation. And even more so because of the amazing staff I get to work with. I will need them now more than ever. How to teach? Those are files I haven't opened in my head in so long and I will need someone to push me along the way. I know most would say it is like riding a bike, which I am sure it will be. But I can't help but feel like I will need my training wheels on for awhile. I know it is just another chapter to this journey, but boy does it feel like a heavy one. A heavy chapter to add to our "new normal" life book.