Grateful

Please understand that I am grateful for so many moments even though I just vented in a negative manner. Although this hospital stay is inconvenient I know it is the only way to make him better. I have accepted that I cannot make Grayson better at home. We dont have "the tools". His tools are special now. One of a kind, like him. Tools in the hands of others. I get that now. And I am grateful this is our first hospital stay. I know now that the first few months of chemo could have been worst. We were lucky. He was lucky. And I truly believe that our mostly bump free first 3 mos mean something. That it is going to be ok. He is going to ok. He is telling us so much. I know there are families struggling with so many more bumps in their cancer road. Drastic and serious bumps.I am so thankful. I am realistic to think that things could get brutal for us, believe me. I am just allowing myself a bit of ying and yang now and then. It is only fair to myself, G and my family. It's how I get by. I think it aids G in the fight as well.

You should see how weekly clinic is no longer a frustrating place for G. It is routine now. He tells them what to do! He is thrilled to hear he is going to see Jenny. The only mornings he is upset is when he cant eat but once he picks out what he is going to dive into when given the ok he holds onto that item and walks into clinic with it. His transitional object and reward at the end of a "long day".

I have admitted to Jenny that clinic is actually a happy place for me, too. It is quiet time for me and the place that my lil boy is getting fixed. It is a positive place for me to reflect. I dont dread Mondays anymore.

It is too bad that this hospital stay has delayed our track. We were due to start Interim Maintenance yesterday and that isnt even going to happen if his numbers arent in tune next Monday. It would be quite the surprise if so-they would have to dramatically jump skyscrapers in order to do so! Not gonna happen with this infection brewing to its near end.

But I just had to get on one last time tonite to let you all know that I know its going to get ugly and this stay could have been for something ugly and serious and it isnt. Its just scary at any point these days. The unexpected haunts us. I have no control over much of G's rollercoaster and I struggle with that everyday. I have accepted that I am not the one that can make it all go away, only the one who can make it better along the way. Its my mommy duty and Ill take that duty anytime, anyday, forever and ever.