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I wasn't going to write today. As ironic and pathetic and rude as it may seem...I was having a hard time to find things to be thankful for. I know it should seem clearly evident. I know that. I know how mean it must come across. But I am so foggy.

I had to write bc I was chit chatting with one of G's nurses minutes ago, smiling and such, and then she left the room. The second that latch clicked with the door closure I burst into tears. Out of nowhere. I havent stopped since. I cannot get this image out of my head:

Baby Ewan's mommy holding him seconds after they took him off monitors, kissing and cradling that sweet lil boy during his entrance to heaven. Less than 3 weeks ago and yet she lives that moment like it is the present each and every morning.

http://www.team-ewan.com/

I hurt for her today...a mom who cannot dress her son in Turkey day clothes the way us new mommy's imagine to do so every year. He doesn't get to wear that "1st Thanksgiving" bib. I ache for her.

I ache for my Filipino family and anyone who knew and loved Jimmy and Jacob. It has been years without them and I KNOW there are so many who look around their dinner tables still hoping to have them seated right there beside them. But thankful they have learned to rely on each other on days like today.

I hurt for my parents who are so far away. I miss them so much it is sometimes easier to not call them everyday in order to avoid that reminder. But thankful to have them here on this earth, alive and healthy.

I am mad at myself for waking in such a bad mood. A rough night sleep for me but a smooth one for G. Thankful he is getting the rest he needs even when vitals and meds are pumped through him without his aware.

I hate that I have to talk to my husband to coordinate a time to see he and the kids later today when instead we should be lounging in our pajamas smelling the food brewin'. But thankful I DO get to see them bc G is not in isolation today. I cannot wait to hold Caden who has been rolling like a fool the past two days (thanks to Auntie Mimi and her videos from afar!). Oh how I miss Triston's inquisitive voice. So much excitement in every bit of him it's astounding to me he keeps grounded!

How could anyone not LOVE these 3 ubelievable beings:

Okay, stopped crying.

Look at that I guess some gratitude squeezed out of me as I wrote-thank you blogging!

Embarrassed that as I searted to cry, who walks in? Kwon. Thankful that he has displayed the happiest-go-lucky mood we have ever witnessed from him in the past few weeks. He is warming up to us/loosening up and I like that. He doesn't have to be so straight-laced all the time I guess.

As short as they were I am happy to have Charito visit us the past few nites here. It was so much easier to do so when we could plan all this out in advance as opposed to our last stay. Thank you, Amy.

I struggled with the irritability G woke w today. It was a rough morning for moods to clash. I describe it as "Roomie quarrels...with subsequent complaints to our RA". But thankful I have the roommate I have!

Annoyed that it has taken a chain of people to talk to since last nite with no answer yet as to why G's Flovent prescription level was changed and by whom. But thankful that asthma meds exist to prevent my guy from an endless list of respiratory issues and traumas.

As much as hated (but needed the cry out release minutes ago) I am thankful it led to a long awaited conversation with a dear friend, resulting in more shed tears but NEEDED by us both-I love you, Maria.

Annoyed that our Thx dinner and time together will be sent in this tiny room (we did not get placed in the new tower this time). It is gonna get tight and frustrating fast no matter how calm we all try to be about it. But thankful we will see each other. We feared G would be in isolation and thought for sure he would not be able to have any visitors today-a yucky thought to me that I may not see my other two boys on this holiday.

Thankful for a constantly out of this world group of friends who created an entire turkey dinner (whole turkey!) for Charito and the kids and a separate plate for me for Charito to bring along the way!!!!

Hurt that it took Caden a bit to give me a smile and react to our usual goofy antics, but then I got to see him roll, roll, roll for mommy. I honestly could not put him down. He has been my angel of peace and reminder of positive reality for 4 mos now and I am still honored to have carried that sweet, protective soul of his for 9 mos. He just wows me beyond words everytime I look at him.

Still disappointed in myself for the impromptu (less than 2 weeks) scheduling and planning of Caden's baptism this past Sunday (the jipping guilt I feel ever so often), but so thankful such wonderful friends and family appeared to honor his day and it really was a great time. He had HIS day!

So there you go, it is 9 pm now and I am exhausted. These past few days here have felt like a month already. But I was able to reach some gratitude in my day...one way or another. It was clearer than ever to realize it is and always will be -RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME-the people in my life I cannot bear to be without. No matter where I was today or will be tomorrow I need to keep that in mind. They have always been there for me and will continue to bc that is what love is all about. I love you-you know who you are!