March ramblings

As I loaded G into the car, the sleet pelting me in the face, I actually didn't mind it. Yes, I was eager to get home but I didn't mind the pain. It was a rude wake up call to the outside world I hadn't seen or felt in 6 whole days. And yet it was more than that. It was both refreshing and torturous at the same time. I felt like it was some device whipping questions left and right inside my brain. Then piercing my heart every few seconds. With one breathe it reminded me that we made it through the hospital stay in one piece.He was amazing as usual and made me proud.  The other teasing me with words like "you think you can survive this all don't you? He will but you won't. Don't you know that. You are damaged beyond repair".

No doubt I was feeling crippled, exhausted and running on empty once again. This journey is so grueling. On my heart, my relationships, my marriage, my parenting skills and my existence. Most of the time I am positive and whip the negative thoughts to the other side of the universe never to be seen or heard of again, but in this moment I was drowning. Such mixed feelings about how to move on each day or every few weeks when each time we pick up the pieces and things look like they are turning the lonely corner something comes up. A death, a family member in the hospital, losing a job, a new diagnosis, low ANC or someone is sick again. The good outings (Jewel, Target, car show) come in spurts literally weeks apart from each other. Cabin fever and bad moods dont mix well and it is getting old really fast. No one is happy for too long and that mind set affects all of us. It is even getting difficult to remember when we were ALL healthy AND happy all at the SAME time. And even when we do get through all this and say goodbye to his last day of treatment will I be so beat down at that point that I won't know how to move past it all? How much of me will I be scraping up to just celebrate the fight and plow through the new chapter of OT (off treatment) and the fears and challenges that come with that. You know research has confirmed that the parents of fatally ill children suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder ? Well , duh!!!!! Ya think! Moms in general never turn off their worry brains no matter how old their children are. What do you think happens to a parent of child that survived the unfathomable and is expected to proceed with a "normal" life when nothing has been "normal" for years? Its not like a switch you just turn on and off. I know it may seem like alot of "stop worrying about the future " kinda stuff I am spouting out but seriously sometimes I have to just give a hint of worry to the beyond instead of the day to day, especially when the day to day hasn t been so pleasant lately. Some days we have to give into the tears.

And then you have the times when Grayson looks and acts perfectly "fine" and yet his blood says something else. ZERO ANC seriously?!!!! We have never been that low for this long. It is TOO scary to be on hold for any and all chemo drugs for two whole weeks. Ironic huh? As much as you hate the poisons entering his tiny body on a daily basis,  ready to dive their nasty side effect teeth into his neurological system any day now, you begin to thrive on them, depend on them to keep him cancer-cell (blasts) free. The last thing we want is to give them bastards a break and think they can start reproducing all over again without us knowing. I don't know how I would handle a relapse at this point. I am ever TOO eager for his next spinal (lumbar puncture) to be sure they are not floating around his spinal fluid making their return. They better read the DO NOT ENTER sign on the door or I will lose it!

But through the muck there is always something funny on the surface to flip the table over and hard. And, as I have commented before re Caden's guardian like, lighten the mood aura that is all he is, it is once again Caden who is guilty of projecting the smiles onto us. He, too, will not let me take a break. He knows how to keep it real and light-hearted. That precious, wild, curious boy of mine. Too much in a hurry to grow up. Doesnt he understand I already feel like I miss the first 6 mos of his life to begin with?! It is like he reassuring me that there will NOT be anything to miss this time around. He always seems to keep things interesting. My little Rice has gone pee in the toilet 5 times since December. The past two times have been in the past two days. I have been allowing him to go and do whatever whenever he wants bc he is merely copying the bros but the past two incidents have been purposeful. He calls to me, claims 'pee, pee' from the stairs but I guess I am not quick enough and up he goes. I get up there to see him doing his usual routine of lifting the seat , placing his potty seat cushion on top of the seat and then it's up to me to get him up there. The recent occurrences he is literally dancing a jig to get on there. In the past if he accidentally peed while performing his copy my bros routine I gave him a mini M&M as a treat. As he peed the past two days his eyes were on that prize waiting for his fav chocolate. He is too damn cute on that ugly throne I tell you. Too tiny to be sitting up there on his own. And today he was so excited he would try, come up dry, wipe and flush anyway, walk away naked, say something to T, and run on back to me for another try. By the third round he went pee and just smiled. And the way he looked at the boys instead of me with pride was priceless.I love that kid. So he left me no choice but to bring the Toy Story potty seat into the living room in case he is super serious about this. I need some option that makes this easier on MamaC. We will see. But boy does he know how to shake things up. No more diapers was my goal for spring break (not like we got anywhere to go) and here he is pushing it up a few weeks. Yikes.
Oh and did I forget to mention that MamaC found him outside of his crib when he woke from his nap today. She heard him 'reading to himself' and when she went up there, there he was on the floor playing all content, injury free. Seriously! Another goal I was hoping to save til spring break or summer. Now we are not sure if this is something he will attempt again and thank goodness the bottom half of his dutch door was closed or she would have found him standing next to her while she was doing the dishes! I am not willing to wait too long for an injury that is for sure. A broken bone is not on my list of things to care for in the next few days. We never met this stage with T and G. T was more than ready at 18 mos for a big boy bed and G transitioned at 20 mos. We avoided those climbing/falls all before they even occurred bc I was so scared. So guess what we are doing this weekend? Like I said, was hoping to save this transition for a time when I didnt have work to get up to in the am bc we all know that as exciting as the new bed may be most of the important people in the house dont sleep too well that first week of the transition. My boy who has been getting dumped awake and putting himself to sleep since a few weeks old is not going to be so kind this go around. It just wouldnt be natural. Yes, it is all exciting and I love that we are following his lead but the time isnt exactly convenient. But when it comes to developmental milestones I am a firm believer in following my kiddos' and thier intentions and I have never been disappointed. We shall see! All I know is that sleep is overrated! (and so is sanity!)