This post is more for mommy's therapeutic needs.
It has been such a frustrating week...and it lingered into my weekend. Our weekend. Best laid plans...well piss on them. As the work week neared Friday the PMSing began to set in and so did the annual seasonal allergies. I warned myself a week or more ago that Sept 1 was approaching and like clockwork in the past it hits me right on that date (how much of that is mental you think? even tho I tell myself I refuse to get them each year). I even prepped my body with some doses of prevention-more veggies, yogurt and initialized the Emergen-C a.m. ritual. But Thursday hit hard. With anything I tried it made no difference. It didn't even creep into allergies. It blasted right into dizzy headaches and sinus pressure. I had no idea if it was a hard hitting allergy episode or head cold or sinus infection (which I have never had before). Late Thursday evening I just told myself to be thankful there were no students scheduled for Friday, just meetings. I could get through that.
But then came midnight. Two deep, garbled coughs from the boys' room. I heard Triston get out of bed and head to the bathroom. I could tell from every little sound exactly what he was doing. He was standing in front of the toilet. Moved to the sink. Washed and dried off his hands. Then he came into my room, naked and whispering he had thrown up. I knew right away it had to be in his bed but I asked anyway. Stupid me. I moved Grayson right away into our bed. T moved to the shower and there he curled into a ball, humming to himself how tired and gross he felt. I cleaned and sprayed and cleaned some more. I love the look of those damn beds but they are a pain in the ass to change sheeets. Because before I knew it I was stripping G's bed too. That trundle is a space saver but another pain in the ass after midnite! And god forbid someone vomits and it gets into the wood grooves. SO much fun to clean ya know! I did not finish cleaning up that mess until 1:30 am.
By then laundry was in and T and I were on the couch. I hunted down our trusty puke bucket and lied next to him. I layed towels under him and along the couch ( a habit we are too familiar with thanks to chemo days back in August and September 2010). He just moaned and snored with interruptions every hour to puke. I knew by 4 am we would be approaching bile soon. With each vomit I was cleaning out the bucket and rearranging him. By the time I would finish and nestle myself back onto the couch we were onto another round. I had slept a total of 30 minutes all night. By 5 am I told Charito there was no way I was going to work. I wasn't even sure T was done and I sure as hell was not going to leave him and the other dramas with her to deal with alone. That would not be fair. I called MamaC and told her not to come. The last thing I wanted to do was infect her w something. I then texted my staff and let them know.
The rest of the day T was off and on. The puking subsided but he was exhausted. He would try and play for a bit and then end up on the couch. I enforced the BRAT diet and in small helpings he held stuff down. I avoided all dairy. It was not until this am (Sunday) that he finally got his first sip of milk. This was hard for him bc my boys love milk. But what boy is gonna turn down pepsi? By Saturday night he was returning to his old self. It is past.
So, yes that was all exhausting and frustrating (and heart breaking to watch as a mommy along with playing referee with keeping G n C away from T) but here comes the REALLY annoying part of it all. The worry part. Out came the masks again. OH, HOW I DID NOT MISS THEM! Been since February or so that we last donned them. Little buggers. As usual T had no prob wearing it. He totally understands its significance and I appreciate that about him. I even wore one to be on the safe side. AND then we had to cancel our plans for the weekend. I cannot tell you how NICE it felt to be able to tell people WE ACTUALLY had plans. I think people stop bother asking overall bc we don't do much of anything anymore. We may not have been off to some road trip destination but we were off to SOMEWHERE and that is all that matters. It is NOT home. Neal, Amy and Ayden were in a wedding this weekend and to make babysitting easier they booked us a room at the site of the reception. We could get away and they would have the ease of dropping off their kiddos anytime during the evening so the adults could party it up. I had to cancel. I thought about just going w G and C but at this point we were nervous for two reasons. 1. I did not want to bring some stomach virus to her kids, especially my Charley Horse-you know how easy them infants get dehydrated. 2. If this virus still existed in our home and G had the potential of getting it or fighting it off we didn't want to bring him somewhere else and add germs ontop of what may already be brewing inside of him. As nice as it is to go to clinic once a month I no longer have his counts each week. I have to go off of counts from almost a month ago and they were over a 1, 000 then. Nice counts but not like 3, 000 where his body is kicking germy ass. I hated calling Amy and telling here. There we were figuring out the best plan while she is still playing matron of honor to the bride. Her list of duties was high, too and she had to come up w a backup plan. NOT TO MENTION the fact that almost EVERYTIME we try and get our kids together (or us adults for that matter) it fails. Someone is under the weather or schedules conflict. And it is even more difficult since school began. We reluctantly cancelled for the health of all involved all the while asking "WHY?". That is the point we get to be angry with cancer again. Just blame the cancer. A reminder of how limited we have to be for the right reasons.
So as you can tell with this post-it def put me in a mood. Yes, my period has a lot to do with it but so do other things. It's a little reminder of what the cold season will soon bring us. Back to hibernation. I know us 5 have learned to make the best of it when need be but it gets so tiring. Mundane. Even this morning as T is feeling better I thought of attempting Kohl Children museum but shouldn't bc of reasons stated above. We just shouldn't take our chances. It has been REALLY nice being out of the hospital since June. So we resort to ideas like bike rides, walks, restaurants we know not to be busy on certain days, being outdoors but not really being in contact with others or surfaces. And I know other cancer moms are reading this thinking sometimes we just have to give in. You weigh them choices. And I get that. And we have at times. And whose to say G (or C) will even get what T had. Let's just hope all my cleaning, lysol spraying, laundry and open windows pays off. As if I don't clean enough on a regular basis, I am forced into overdrive this weekend.
And I won't lie. I get so jealous. Now let me preface this with saying and KNOWING that I am MORE than blessed to have my four here with me everyday and be where we are today at this point w all this cancer junk. So, don't think for once I don't recognize the positive side to our everyday chaos. G's face, and those other two slant-eyed, pino nose halfies I adore remind me each morning. And please remember this about me bc by now I am sure it is not necessary for me to write this each time I bitch. If you know me well, you know me. But, I get jealous. And I dont even know if jealous is the is the right word. You tell me. NOT that I don't want to hear about your great weekend or adventures. So please don't hesitate to tell me just bc of this paragraph. I am always thrilled to hear of the happy moments that fill the lives of the ones I love and care for whether it is in my personal, professional, friendly or cancer side of life. But later that evening after the day's events have soaked in and I'm reflecting, filing and putting things to rest I do get saddened. Sad for a life or event we just cannot have at this moment in time. We can't just pick up and go and do. The time will come but until then it presents me with mixed emotions. I question and fear as a parent more than I ever had in the my first 5 yrs of mommyhood . Even though Charito and I are trying our best to allow all 3 boys to experience as much as possible in these circumstances are we harming them? I know they are missing out but how much so? I get that that we are doing our best with what we have in our hands but still. When the physical side of this life doesn't exhaust me, the mental and emotional side pulls me under.
As my birthday, our wedding anniversary, and the dreaded cold/flu season approach I kinda get bummed. All weekend I found myself yanked toward Matt Hammitt's All of Me. A reminder of why I do what I do. I will recklessly love until I bleed. This cancer journey, G, T, C and Charito are worth all of me.
http://bowensheart.com/2010/09/15/the-morning-of-september-14th/
I am pushed to do more for myself (something I admit I am horrible at. And believe me I had my own scare in August and did alot of praying then. I am fine but was scared enuf), and get creative as to what to do for my family to get through it all. And that takes energy that I don't always have in reserve sometimes. And when I use up that last ounce of the day I can honestly say I don't know where I scraped it up from. Mommy-ness I guess?
Time for Charito and I to step back and escape (even for 2 hours) for each other. I recall last year my mother telling me to go have a spa day, her bday gift to me. I yet to have cashed in that gift. I am MORE than looking forward to my fall break the first two weeks of October. My plans----use up that yoga groupon, spa time, and volunteer in Triston's class. Get Caden and Grayson to the gardens while T is in school. Pull T out for a day just for the two of us (maybe the art institute) and then another for us 4 (that's the other element-kid friendly places we could visit while G's counts are good are so busy and germy over the weekends. Now w my being back to work when do we get to do those things? If and when they are at all possible. I plan to take advantage of that over fall break when the rest of Chicago is in school). But it is planning and thought like this that isn't easy. It's just not simple. But I guess it never was.
End rant. The sun is starting to shine all over the backyard. It is my fav clothes wearing weather-jeans n a tee or shorts n a long sleeve. Time to think of what to do with these boys today and be able to say we made the best out of it (see, I am trying not to be ho hum blah blah. Just needed to get some almond joy coffee {found it KT!} in me, few tunes on the Iphone, Zyrtec-D and some writing therapy going first).
