Ramblings and Updates

A buffet of news:

• Week 30 (last week Feb 28-March 6) was a great week for G. Read the previous post to find out all about it.


• This week, week 31, continues to be another fabulous week for him. Appetite and happy moods are still flowing. No crabass attitudes to the extreme thanks to steroids...yet.So far his appetite is accepting of any healthy items. It has not yet morphed into steroid fights for all things sodium rich!
  
• Even though it's been a great two weeks for all the kiddos I cannot say the same for us adults. Charito and I have experienced 3 deaths in the past 3 weeks of people we cared deeply about. It has been a rather trying month, this sorrowful March , it has. Enough is enough already. One was my uncle whose services are still not order while we await an autopsy. Two of the deaths were our friends' parents (Joel's father and Maria's mother). And not just any friends. Friends of that close circle we call family. You know the kind I speak of, the ones by your side through thick and thin. Those people that are so close to you through every step of your relationship, marriage, children and are affectionately called aunt or uncle by your own kids. The kind of people you cannot picture your life without. And when they are hurting you hurt right alongside them. It has been a painful month to say the least.


• One of the scariest parts of one of the passings was that it signified the end of my "Italian Mama's " battle with lung cancer. No one should have to suffer and she did. And to be honest, her path rings all too close to how Mamac was diagnosed. The stories practically mirror themselves. All her death has done is bring up so many beautiful memories of my childhood ( this family has been part of my life since I was 8 yrs old) and other fears I currently fight each night before I go to bed. Not only do I live with cancer each day but I dread it in Mamac's life as well. It scares me to think that my Italian Mama's two yr battle may be what the future holds for another person I love. I am not trying to be negative, I dont think negative! But cancer will do what the hell it wants to do...again the loss of control no matter how hard medical staff plan their attacks. Yes, I believe an individual's heart, strength and umph carve the way but ultimately we are not control. Are we? I just cannot express my fears right now.


• So. to the best of our abilities we are trying to help out our dear friends. We are helping Joel out with his taxes this weekend (and I get to feed him like I used to, and watch my kids have a blast w Unca Doe). I was able to watch Maria's newborn, Matteo, for a bit (his grandma passed on his one month bday)...okay crying now....I also offered to contact her mother's school and inform them of the passing and service info. I had no problem doing whatever I could. And it so happened I was headed into her work to pass along info of Mamac's diagnosis. You see, both Mamac and my Italian Mama worked at the same school, the same grammar school I attended. I stopped by there yesterday and hit them with a double whammy of sad news. I ran into my former teachers and hugged and cried along with them. It was all too much. And tomorrow's sevice will be just as achey.


• Then to add to all-my father-in-law has been in the hospital for close to two weeks now. I will only share that he is having complications and that has us greatly concerned.


• I know, I know it sounds so black cloudish but it is simply what has been going on. No one could write this crap, it is so twisted!


• I hated every moment of attending work these past two weeks. When bad news hits and affects so many people in one sitting all I want to do is hug my kids so much more, so much tighter and not waste one minute doing anything else. As my mother said-our crew and I are just way too young to be dealing with so much yuck in the past couple of yrs. It is unheard of. But, work equals insurance...so I go. And I hate. And I put up with crap. And I worry. And I stress. And I try. And I put on a fake face. And I try and fix kids. And I try to soak up the smiles and that AHA moment some kids get every once in a while. Those moments make SOME of it worthwhile....but the paperwork and spec ed documentation can just kiss my flat butt. And I listen to people tell me I am a great teacher but I know deep down I am not at my best. That really bothers me. And then there are days I just don't care and I am a body taking up space, air and a swipe on the timeclock bc I am that much of a zombie in autopilot mode and nothing more. I only have so much in me sometimes. And it is not like my day ends there in that parking lot. I go home to my beautiful boys to play mommy, nurse, dictator (oh wait, that's Grayson's job...but sometimes he shares the crown) and wife. I don't ever regret those roles, I just wish the monotonous bubbled life routine could get shaken up a bit sometimes. But I know one day G will be allowed to step out of this rut and every one of us Carpers will unfold our wings and emerge beautiful butterflies, for a new kind of life. A slightly less stressful one?


• Bryley has been a pain in the butt in past weeks. She will be eight yrs old on July 3rd and for the first time in her 7+ yrs w us she is eating from the boys' table. Right off it when I turn my back! The only thing we can think of is that these are attention-getting behaviors. She is right under my feet most of the time, craving cuddle time and probably feeling neglected by Charito and I. She is still her wonderful, playful and gentle self with the boys but WOW food stealing is not allowed! She has been sent to her bed many times this week, a bed we have had sitting in the basement unoccupied for yrs and I HAD to bring it out-that is how MAD I was at her! RRRRRR!


• Triston has a cute routine going. One morning he said to me, " At school I will decide what my dessert will be tonight...whip cream or a computer game." Ummm, okay?! So that evening he came home to declare that he decided that evening would be whip cream and a computer game the following evening. And since then he has alternated those choices because " I am making a pattern, MOM!" , and when I forget about this ABA pattern of his and ask him what he wants for dessert he tells me to remember the pattern! He is a funny kid!


• We have a compassionate boy. On Tuesday T arrived home with some homework. In preparation for Lent/Ash Wednesday mass at school he was to come up w a Lenten promise and a monetary donation of his choice. I further explained (to the best of my religious ability) how Lent can be about choosing to be a better person and how to pursue that instead of giving up something. He thought about it for a minute. Then he told me he wanted to play nicely with his friends at school and not hurt anyone on the inside or outside. Okay-good answer. Homework done. So I thought. As I was about to get up from the table he still looked like he was pondering something. I asked him what he was thinking about. He then asked me, "Is Auntie Maria sad? Just like you are?" You see, 20 minutes prior to us settling down to knock out homework I had received the call of my Italian Mama's passing. I lost it on the phone, hungup and sobbed in the kitchen. T and G both heard me and came into the kitchen. Grayson immediately told me to "stop twying, it's otay. No more twying, mommy. No more", while Triston asked me what was wrong. I simply told him Auntie Maria's mommy died. How? She was very sick. I couldn't bear to mutter the words lung cancer to him bc right he associates that diagnosis solely to Lula. I could NOT paint any dreaded pictures in his head. Triston hugged me and told me it was going to be okay and that he loved me so much. So...when it came time to homework that was all obviously on his mind bc the next sentence out of his mouth was one of those mommy frozen moments that you treasure. He said, "I want to clean Auntie Maria's house. That's how WE CAN HELP her!" He clearly remembered the time when before Grayson's first return home from the hospital in August our friends gathered to clean our home for us. And even more recent (on Monday in fact) a friend of mine hired her cleaning lady to come over and take care of my floors, bathrooms and dusting all while G and I were at chemo. IT WAS WONDERFUL TO COME HOME TO THAT. TEARS STREAMED FROM MY FACE AS SOON AS I ENTERED THE DOOR, THAT SMELL OF NITTY GRITTY CLEAN, HANDS N KNEES ON THE FLOOR KINDA SCRUBBING WAS AMAZING! The kinda of cleaning we just cant get to on a regular basis! We keep the house maintained ENOUGH for G but struggle to get throught the days sometimes. So to Triston he wanted to help in Maria's time of need. He was understanding how people have to come to us in need and it floored me. That mommy moment reminded me-actually gave me a reality check-that in our chaos Charito and I are still able to do our job even when we think we are failing. We are raising a compassionate, kind and loving boy. Oh how I love him! So in the near future, when things calm down for Maria I intend to let T live out his promise. Somehow she and I will make arrangements for him to fold her clothes or dust or something bc her REALLY wants to help. That is the promise "help people clean thier house when they are really sad" that we wrote on his Lenten slip to turn in at mass on Wednesday. And he followed that promise by grabbing a handful of money out of his piggy bank to donate to church for those in need. He just kept coming down the stairs handful after handful-totally $4.30 in coins. I love you big boy!


• Triston is going thru some growth spurt. He is eating like crazy!


• I love that every once in a while I catch him reading his Valentine love notes, the ones I wrote for them each day in Feb leading to Vday. He kept them all, even G's, and stashed them in his empty candy canister shaped like a train. They sit on his shelf in his room. I think he is gonna be an emotional item stasher like me!


• Triston also received a package from SuperSibs this week. It is a trophy that is engraved-LOVE, STRENGTH, COURAGE. He is sooooooo proud of it. He really wants to show his teacher but I think we will take a pic and let him share that. What an amazing organization to devote such time and energy into the siblings of children with cancer. I know it makes him feel very special! They are even hosting a Quiet Heroes event in May that I am considering attending. It is for the quiet heroes of children with cancer-the mommies. I think I am ready to branch out and network with other moms fighting just like we do. We will see. Aerum has mentioned starting a Lutheran General Hospital table and I would def feel better if someone I knew was going, too.


• This morning I yelled/reminded T to leave his penis alone. A few minutes later G gnabs my attention to tell me, "I leave my penis alone!" Thank you, G. Thank you for leaving your penis alone!


• Grayson really never stops talking. Believe me-I am thrilled he is a talker and I have no concerns in that department but my gosh sometimes I want some quiet. And poor T. As soon as he opens his mouth to tell me anything G NEEDS the attention (all the time) and immediately interrupts. And G has even caught on that he needs to be LOUD about it in order to be heard over T. So instead I get a battle of the bands type of conversation instead of a calm one. So, I am often yelling at G to "STOP IT AND BE QUIET!" when what I really want to yell is SHUT UP but we dont say that in our home so there you have it. Well, now whenever G is annoyed that T is not listening to him or giving him all his attention no matter what the situation he just yells at to "stop it, be quiet". They could be disagreeing about a train, crackers or other brother stuff and the statement doesnt even make sense and yet he still does it. He has completely over-generalized the statement into any frustrating situation and yells at it. It is quite comical.


• Charito just brought me non-pareils from his mom-more emotional feeding therapy!


• Today is G's last dose of Prednisone (steroid) for a few weeks. His appetite has proven itself and the cheeks are starting to chunk up again. Love it.


• Even though we have had one too many deaths in recent weeks we also had some exciting births. Triston loves visiting Matteo (he calls him tomatoe) and is now excited to visit Auntie Katie's baby boy Samuel. We hope to see him soon. And of course we are still awaiting the arrival of baby Jack or Charlie. Neal and Amy are very anxious at this point!


• We are not scheduled for clinic this Monday. So unless Maria needs me or G has a sudden dip I will be going to work. I really just want spring break to be here already!
• Princess Jennie is officially on maternity leave. I will miss her greatly next Monday but am def sending her happy baby wishes for a safe, healthy delivery!
• That is all I have for now...