Mommyhood

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you; after all, you're the only one that knows the sound of my heart from the inside."

"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide to forever have your heart go walking outside your body." authors unknown

Oh Grayson, I thought meeting your brother, Triston, for the first time kindled these quotes within me...you have tested them beyond my belief. You, your smile, your fight bring me endless happiness and heartache. But being your mommy is a job I would wait in line for...over and over again. I love you, Sushi. The past month (episodes of life and death) and the past few days (seeing all 3 of my boys ill simultaneously) has truly tested me. I am a mom busting at the seams. From runny noses to puke to diarrhea to fevers to irritability to lethargy. All 3 boys have broken my heart seeing them so miserable.

And the mind games-

3 different temp checks every hour or so

which one squirted their pants this time?

what did he nibble on and how much?

when was the last time he drank and how much?

monitoring breathing patterns

puke buckets

laundry-sheets, towels, clothes, thrown out underwear

do we call drs or wait?

hospital-worthy stay or not?

buy stock in gatorade and pedialyte?

Triston def has a stomach virus. Grayson's body is charging hard at fighting it off, sitting at the cusp for fevers with little diarrhea and small appetite. Caden started up today-miserable, slight fever, diarrhea and little appetite. Are Charito and I next? I would have much rather it hit us than them.

I just want to fix them. And when they are fixed it hurts to know that Grayson's "check engine light" episode was temporary, an all but permanent fix. I can't fix him. I am just following the "medical mommy manual" given to me by his medical staff and praying for an exemplary recovery, a perfect prognosis. The unknown houses more than enough anguish in my heart.