Saturday morning ramblings

January 28, 2011-my catch up of the week. A blurry mess. I am so tired. Another week of being pulled in a million directions.

After his steroid withdrawal aches on Monday night, I returned from work Tuesday and he was still pretty chill on the couch. But by dinner time he was walking around. Wednesday and Thursday were like 2 weeks of couch time rolled into two ACTIVE days. He had so much energy and conversations to get out! It was alot of fun to watch.

But then on Friday, he was on the couch most of the day. Not bc of his mood though. His legs. As we were getting ready for work/school that morning (oh wait that's right-Triston did not go to school Friday bc he came home from school Thursday w suspected pink eye. It was discharging by bedtime and when he woke Friday), Grayson was climbing out of our bed and fell back on his butt bumping his back on Caden's swing behind him. No injuries it appeared, just whines.
But then I had to put the puzzle together after work Friday. Mamac said he was more often on the couch and when he did move he would scoot around on his butt playing trains. I noticed when I tried to put him down in the basement for a "change of scenery" for the boys to play. He remaind on his tiptoes. He would not flatten his foot. I tried to stretch out his feet, flex and such and he was not liking it at all. All I could think of was that he injured himself when he fell that morning. This behavior continued all night.

And then I was not sure if I was over analyzing everything. When I changed his diaper he was a bit red at the body base of his penis ( I guess the lower portion of the abdomen?). Irritated I'm sure from the nasty poops he had all day. But I couldnt help but question if it swollen. I just don't know.

Then it hit me this morning. He prob fell onto his butt yesterday bc when he slid himself off the side of the bed his feet DIDN'T go flat. Those toes stayed put and it threw off his balance. ???? It is just odd to me to be running and goofing off all day Wednesday and Thursday-get my hopes up that he is in back in action -and then overnight his legs tighten up on him like this. It could be chemo or steroids still doing their thing but I dont know. I am soooo on the fence of whether to call the docs.

He is in a good mood. Peeing and pooping. Eating and drinking very well. It is just that it hurts to walk. Something we have experienced before. Will our phone call erase our plans to take him to Disney on Ice tomorrow. See my bro n sis n Ayden that I haven't seen since Christmas? Can it wait til Monday since everything else about him seems fine? I know, I know...you are prob like "it it's bothering you that much than call the dr!" I get it. I just can't express how crazy I can seem and feel at times.

Cancer plays these mind games. But the time I had Grayson, I hardly questioned much about my motherly skills. I was confident in my choices, evaluations, gut feelings. Mothering a child w cancer is so crooked. When you are pregnant all you pray for is a healthy baby. You get past the first time mom fears, first year ifs, first year milestones, first food allergies and from then on the "health scares" seem to be behind you. Yeah, we are always gonna fear those crazy parent things like kidnapping, car accidents, serious injuries, etc. , but overall we think we are in the clear. Then a simple blood panel rips your baby boy of his health. Somewhere in a 4 week period, a time when I was to be enjoying the summer after a insane school year and awaiting Caden's arrival, the Cancer Gods chose Grayson. WHY?! And for everyone involved in his healthy medical life (all doctors and staff and myself in the regular ped dptmt) to be as shocked as we were still makes it difficult. We all knew I had a healthy baby boy. But at some point in July Grayson was sucked in. Those illnesses you pray will never consume your child got mine. I can't help but wonder on what day in July it went bad. What day did his white blood cells spin so violently out of control? And since that day of diagnosis I do question myself as a mother. I analyze and evaluate over and over again. I know we didn't do anything to give him cancer. I KNOW that. But, well but.
So now I watch Caden like a hawk. Triston like a hawk. I did the exact same things w G as T in that first year and a half of life. Is it okay to do it w/ Caden? Caden is just as easy-going and happy and amazing as G and T were at that age. Will he be okay?

Maybe I am not expressing myself clear enough. I don't know. I just know that I worry more than ever about it all. I guess it is just more of what Cancer has done to me.