More ramblings

• Another funeral today, another ruff one. My dear principal of 30+ yrs, Dr. Catherine Wells, at my school was buried today. It was tearful but beautiful. Such well spoken words, of peace, encouragement and a life well-lived. Such devotion from one woman. Over 60 yrs in the CPS. Amazing dedication and service. As was said today, "Farnsworth will not be the same and yet she will always remain with us. It is her home." And as I sat in church I remembered that that, too was her home. She loved her church. The same church two of my boys were christened at, where I was married and where I will always remember her as well. I remember her attending my wedding. She was always so supportive of my family needs and professional decisions. I will miss her. This was my 4th death in 4 weeks and it does not seem to get easier. Getting hard to breathe, really.
• As difficult as these kind of events are, there are always amazing people around me to hold my hand, ride with me so I am not driving and crying alone, and hand me kleenux. I was filled and blessed with many of these moments today. Reminders of how lucky I am. I love you, my friends!
• A rough day was followed by a rough nite. Poor Triston was hit w the nasty stomach bug that has been going around. And they weren't kidding when they said it comes out of nowhere. All of sudden at 6 pm last nite he began throwing up and did not stop until 1 pm today (so far). He vomited every 40 minutes until today. He (and I ) got no sleep. Any time he got comfy enuf to fall asleep he was up again heading to the toilet. I spent the nite waiting for each bout, turning his body in the right direction to avoid changing the sheets each time, hoping he makes it to the toilet in time. My heart broke for him. And all the while I was trying to keep things quiet enuf to not wake Grayson n Caden. G had a fit bc I would not lie with him at bedtime. He was SO upset. He just couldnt get it. I needed him to stay in his room w Charito while T n I occupied my bed. It is so much easier to clean up puke from our bed than the boys (I feel like that should have been in the fine print when we bought those beds from Pottery Barn-the wood slats below, the fine grooves, the trundle ARE SO FRUSTATING TO CLEAN puke from!). I just covered our bed in tons of towels and peeled them away through the night as needed. Before I left for work this morning (dragging myself out of bed once he and I finally fell asleep at 6 am) I set him up on the living room floor with his sleeping bag, towels and a bucket. Easiest way for Charito to monitor him. Only meant G had to stay as far away as possible (good luck with that) and Caden didn't do any crawling around today. He was on lockdown to avoid T as much as possible. We have been lysoling like crazy and praying G dont get this. His ANC was great on Mondy so lets hope so. I dont care if it breezes through Charito and I -as long as it avoids the sick one and the baby, two of which would dehydrate in the shortest amounts of time. I can't handle that stress right now. It would SO be unfair to them!
• Gonna be another low key weekend at the Carpers. T is sleeping right now. Caden was down hours ago. I hope crazy man G gets the memo to sleep in late tomorrow. Of all the nights Caden was disturbed by the need to cuddle the teething woes away, last night he slept wonderfully, leaving me to concentrate solely on Triston. Grayson whined a bit but Charito took care of that through the night. That, too, was a plus that Caden had a restful night. His teething woes have mostly been taking place near breakfast time when he doesnt seem to know if he wants a liquidy or crunchy meal-all depending upon the needs of his teeth. On nights that he wakes it is just enough to cuddle a bit to fall back asleep and I knew there was no way I was gonna have enough hands to do that last nite while directing puke traffic. I believe the tops are trying to make their way through. Two bottoms are loud and clear! He looks too cute. I think he knows it, too.
• Nurse Jennie (Princess Jennie) had her baby! Yesterday she welcomed baby girl Maggie to the world. I told G and he said, "Oh, I see!" It was too funny. God bless them! She is currently experiencing that superwoman, mommy feeling-how wonderful for her. I am so happy for that new little family!
• We are still awaiting Jack or Charly's arrival...could be any day now.
• I am off to bed. More thought, I am sure, this weekend. Later!

More Maintenance Phase Ramblings and Updates

More venting-Lot on the mind, tons to fill in and even more I wish I could fix:

• The month of March has been a great one overall for all the kids. Big stuff happening round here. G with more energy I know what to do with. Dangerous kind of energy. He really has been a maniac. Jumping. climbing and causing more boy trouble than Triston. Any other situation I would not care-let him get his bumps, bruises, cuts and learn his lesson BUT it is not that easy with him. I wish I could wrap him up in bubble wrap-I swear! He wants to be a typical two yr old but gosh he worries me. It is such a mommy battle! Even his nurses said it is normal to feel this way and difficult to manage in his condition. They feel for me and understand. Here I am in a situation where I should feel more relaxed with my second to let him just be and I can't. It is unbelievably frustrating. Not to mention the typical 2 yr old sibling behaviors. He is constantly hitting T or throwing things at him to get his attention. It is beyond the cute phase. He is such an antagonist sometimes! Can u tell I am writing this while yelling at him to stop doing this and that? He is driving me nutso tonight! I cant even send him to his room like I would do bc he cant be left unsupervised.


• Just Friday afterschool G invented a new game in which he grabs the back of T's shirt and they run together. Yeah, if that ain't a disaster waiting to happen! And it did! But not as bad as it could have been -ONLY thanks to obviously good blood counts. The three of us were in the kitchen and I just knew it was what G was about to play as they were leaving the kitchen and heading into the dr. I warned G to not touch T. "Otay!", he yelled back at me , in his don't tell me what to do tone. I had just picked up the knife to carve the wonderful roast Alysa set up in my crockpot and BOOM! Down G went. I ran in to the lr and there he was on the floor in front of the couch blood pouring out of his mouth. It is always the same damn spot in his mouth that he cuts each time he falls and busts his lip! He has a crooked bottom tooth and it is THAT tooth that slits his bottom lip. It's as if that spot on his bottom lip never truly heals. I could see redness on the outside of his lip, too, wondering if his tooth had gone thru his lip! Ugh! I ran him to the sink. Got ice on it right away. There was so much blood I couldn't assess the damage. He fought me the whole time. Charito was at work. What would I do if his platelets were low, he kept bleeding and he had to get to the ER? I pulled the ice away and checked again. I decided to keep it off long enough to get him to stop crying and see how deep the cut was. I layed off the ice and got him to drink water to cleanse some of the blood away. It would not go away. I left it alone for a few min. Then I realized it wasnt continuous blood, it was clotted blood sitting in front of his bottom teeth. It was gel-like and firm. Perfect! I could not have asked for a better situation. This is what his blood is SUPPOSED to do without cancer! I was amazed actually. It had not happened any other time before since his diagnosis. And he busts this lip at least once a month! Once I left it alone I could see the marking on the inside and outside. If it had not been for good blood counts (which I would not have known otherwise bc we had not been to clinic in almost 2 weeks) and the way he landed in front of the couch when he fell (the couch caught his forehead and prevented him from landing flat faced) I really think that tooth would have gone thru his lip. And I couldn't even punish him (yell, take away toy, early bed) in the moment bc if he kept crying he would disrupt the clots. So, instead I had to explain to T that he was in trouble right now and G was getting in trouble later. Not fair at all! But thanks to good counts again, by later that evening the fatty lip tissue began forming and healing over the cut. That was the fastest his lip has begun to heal in 33 weeks! By bedtime G got his punishment. He did not get to bring any trains into my room "to put to sleep on my ny stahn" (night stand). He was only allowed to sleep with Shell Puppy. They both fell asleep within 20 min. Shortly after Caden woke. But that I did not mind because...


• last Friday was a big day for him! His second tooth cut. And that evening when his big bros were sleeping he crawled around this house til 10 pm. We let him have all the time he wanted. Charito got home from work by 9. Caden has been going to bed by 6 for months now but all of March he had been waking from 7-8 pm ish. I believe its his teething time and who could complain...at least it ain't in the mid of the nite. I give him a bottle fix and he is good to go down shortly after. I swore I saw him scooch forward while T and I were doing homework that day but convinced myself I was seeing things. But as soon as Charito put that Ipad down on the floor he was off! He has an army crawl like Grayson did . It is adorable to see. He even revs up in a circle formation before heading straight toward his objects of desire. Within 20 minutes of point A to B stuff he managed himself all over the dr and lr. So proud of our littlest. He will be 8 mos old on Saturday.


• We only have one picture of Caden framed in our home. I HAVE to change this. And I started to. Charito bought me a photo gallery kit for xmas but we just havent taken the time to get it all set up. Just yesterday Maria passed on a $20 credit to Shutterfly for me and I created a canvas art with the boys. That will make 2 pics of him hanging. It will increase soon!!
• Monday we went into clinic for counts. Great counts at that! ANC was over 3, 000. Havent seen that in a loooong time! Platelets looking great (hence the fast healing lip described above). Hgb was at 8.1 hovering at that cusp. But since he is not getting slammed with tons of chemo the next week it would most likely climb in a day or so. He is taking a chemo drug every night but is not scheduled for a big slam like Methotrexate intrathecally til April 4th.


• Even though March has been great for the kiddos it has continued to be a rough one for us adults. Papac gave us a scare the other night and we were very much concerned we were losing him. Very stressful. Then I finally had the chance to chat with Maria about Teresa's final days and it broke my heart to hear. I was so glad we had the chance to vent it out together but it sure does not make the pain any less. That same day (yesterday) I was told my principal/boss/friend lost her battle to cancer. I dread the aura of our school the upcoming days. We will all be hurting for sure. She may have lived 90+ years but a life lost is still a life and a life of cancer is so unnecessary.


• I stayed home from work today with a horrendous head cold. I went to bed last night w a pounding headache, blamed it on all the crying I did. But when it woke me several times in the night and all 3 kids woke with their own issues off and on I knew I was doomed today. But it was okay bc it gave Charito and I a chance to talk and just be. So much to sort through in our heads and the time we are given to do that these days is so limited. The gaps are so much tighter when you are dealing with more than one sick person in your life. When will the chaos and disorganization end?


• Overall Triston has been great. No issues at school. Thrilled to share EVERYTHING about his day from (literally) beginning to current moment. I really do love it. What I dont love is the emotional growth spurt he is going through. Once again, I can textbook rationalize what and why he is saying and doing what he does but I will always question to what extent cancer fits the equation. It hurts me. I dont think I ever wrote about it but months ago I had the first verbally hurt moment with him. He was upset about something and in his upset he told me "he wanted to break my heart...make me cry...have a heart that is broken and can't be fixed". Huh? Sorry bud, cancer already did that for ya! But it still hurt and it was a particularly emotional day for me to begin with and so I cried. I sent him to bed and I cried as I did the dishes. He is my first and there is something about that first child that you treasure forever. You don't favor them, just treasure that "first" everything feeling. And so hearing those first hurtful words that we all either muttered or whispered or yelled one day ourselves really hurt me. After it was all said and done I happened to check my email before bed and received an email from one of my parenting sites and it confirmed that this is when some of that talk can begin. It didn't matter if it CAN happen, I didnt want it to happen at all. Ouch! Then last week he told me he "wanted a new mommy" and he "wanted to live in a different house". Tonight he said " I hate when you send me to my room...I am just gonna punch you so you cant carry me to it". Nice, huh? Yeah, as much as I can shluff it off in the moment to deal with the situation as calmly as possible (and I will be honest it is not always calm) it still hurts. And I can hardly deal with it as calm as I would TRULY want to bc of Grayson. He gets so involved-yelling at T to _______(insert whatever I just asked T to do). Like he has no guilty involvement at all? yeah right! He is usually the cause. Or G has to cry right along (and in perfect tune and rhythm) to Ts shrieks. Or he follows us and gets right in the middle of it, causing me to be even more wary of his surroundings and trips and falls. And Caden? Well, he just gets dumped somewhere safe so I can get to the other two (whether he is upset or not). These heightened moments of a week get really old really fast. We are all stressed, going through the growth spurts we are supposed to go thru, and yet there is no break or free pass to make it any easier. And when one kid is upset the other either chimes in with his own pissations (its a word!) or that is the time the usually upset kid (Grayson, of course) is happy as a clam and I can't enjoy it to its fullest bc I have another fire to put out. ugh!



• Like tonight-while T continued to cry it out (which I have no problems with, we all need that once in awhile) Grayson was actually open to a bath. I did not have to fight him. And he was willing to take it on his own without the bribe of Triston time I usually have to use. He was a big boy in the big tub doing it all on his own. No screaming battles. Ever since his diagnosis and his port was revealed to him he has hated baths. So here I was with an emotionally frustrating evening, but I still got this moment. And I pushed it even further...I added Caden into the tub, too. G loved his companion. It was Caden's first big boy bath (the porker dont fit in the sink anymore) and he thought it was really something. It was so odd to look into the tub and only see the two littlest in there. I guess Caden is hitting milestones that will branch he and Grayson closer. I am looking forward to that. I even tolerate the disputes G has with him ever since Caden's mobility. G has a hard time accepting Caden's recent access to everything and is slow to allow him any train play. Poor rice! He has watched these boys play trains for mos now and what was the first thing he did once he was mobile and in reach of their trains? He put any train he could grab onto the tracks. He KNEW that was the where they were supposed to go.I loved seeing that mind of his go! G is just gonna have to learn to let up. It's called karma, dictator G!



• I am scared and worried. I worry everyday about how my motherinlaw will phase thru this all. When my fatherinlaw will leave the hospital (it has been over a month now). Typically deaths come in threes. I hate that saying but it has been oh so true in my life. My principal is the first of a new set. A new set? How ridiculous, but true. This was my fourth death in 4 weeks. I really dont want to hear about anymore. As my close circle of friends and family have discussed-we are tired of so much "heavy". We need a break from it all. And for us Carpers-each time I think we can recover and regroup we are hit with something else. It is just the way 2011 has played out. I know there are better times, easier times ahead for us. And maybe we need to get past the muck first but in the meantime I would like a bit of a breather, please.



• Right before Grayson's diagnosis he was really enjoying any kind of sushi. Triston loves it, too! Now G cannot have any raw fish. Whenever we order sushi it is quite the upheaval. But I finally (after months of torture) came up with a switcharoo. He noticed that miso soup always comes with sushi. I bought some tofu two weeks ago and made my own miso soup. And because he simply made the association that it arrives with sushi I was able to pass it off as sushi to him. He has loved his "new sushi". No more tantrums over real sushi bc he considers this HIS sushi. All fixed! One point for mommy.


• Today (Wednesday) Caden crawled to meet me at the door when I arrived home from work.Then he raised his arms up for me to grab him. It was precious. It is what I needed after an emotional day at work. I was right, walking into our school office was not easy today. So sad.


• Grayson's hair is really starting to come in again! We tease him and ask him how many sprouts he has when he wakes in the morning. His number varies. Today he told me six! yesterday it was 14! Too cute.


• I am taking full advantage of Grayson's good appetite in the past few weeks. I don't care how late I am up baking veggies bc they are getting all munched up by him! So I double duty it and cook for he and Caden. I bake up squash and sweet potatoes and anything else to take advantage of his willingness to consume almost anything. I just set aside bigger portions for T n G and then smaller smashed up/pureed portions for Caden. Makes me feel good! This week they are loving up the squash, sweet potatoes n avocadoes. I have no idea what is on next week's agenda! Keep you posted!

And thanks for reading!