Still here...

I know it has been a while but the school year is winding down and I will be FREE in four days. I dont know who is more excited-me or Triston?! I have tons to catch you all up on and will do so in the next week or so. Luv and thanks for your patience!

hating cancer...again

While everyone else is off on mini road trips or far off adventures we are here at home. I was okay with that idea on Friday. It was the end of a VERY busy week at work that had drained any energy I had stored up to put a smile on my face while we hosted over 100 families at our annual preschool event all over campus. I put that smile on and truly enjoyed all the laughter and smiles from each and every child, all the work we put in since January paid off as usual, to the point of tears. But as soon as I entered my car to head home for a long weekend I began to cry again ( for some reason they flowed that morning, too. I blamed it on overwhelming anxieties and stress from the weeks prior and coming up). I was feeling empty and overwhelmed. And yet I had so much to be excited for this weekend. My parents were FINALLY coming home FOR GOOD!  And I had a long weekend to snuggle with my boys and suck up every and any little moment that I have grown to treasure in all its glory since we began this journey. And Triston graduates from K in a few days. He is BEYOND excited and we are, too. And yet so much still needed to be done. But whatever needed to be done I was looking forward to a lazy and family chill weekend.

But then all of a sudden out of the blue Grayson developed a fever late yesterday (May 26). We had agreed to keep it a chill weekend and avoid crowds bc G had a near fever type episode last Sunday and into Monday May 20 and 21). What worried us more was how lethargic and pale he had become in a matter of hours. Unexplained bloody noses occurred. Things that had not happened in over a year. Our clinic visit that Monday morning told us his counts were great regardless of how he presented.We were to monitor and call if things got worst. By dinner time Monday he was his old self acting as if the crazy worried thoughts his parents had loomed over the past 24 hours had never been a part of our week. Cancer can be frustrating that way. Not G's fault at all. But as we have learned cancer plays games with you. It can make you upset to interrupt the little plans you had in mind or even the no plans. It doesnt matter. The fear of a ER visit  and 5-7 day hospital stay as you wait to see if there will be more symptoms or an increased fever ruin your entire mood. Charito and I get on edge and stress out even though we are trying to hold it together and calm in front of the kids. So we hide it as best we can, playing with the kids, rushing to get through dinner so that we can maybe have a meal together in case its the last for a few days during a hospital stay, cuddling, laughing and dancing. Trying to soak up the moments as best we can trying to think positively when inside we want to scream. And it didnt help that as my week ended I was dealing with other cancer news from friends or running errands for friends who are about to start or complete their own treatment plans. I may be doing these tasks for shitty cancer reasons at the core but inevitable it is my own therapy as well. Helping others and being there for them during their own fights makes me feel not so weak, like an invalid at times. It is the best distraction in the world, not to mention fills my heart to do for someone else. Pay it forward so to speak.

So this out of blue fever continued for a few hours. He became whiney and did not want to be touched. After 2 hours I gave him Tylenol and decided if that did not bring it down I would call oncs and get advice. I ran to Jewel to get him gatorade and cheetos and anything he would be willing to eat. He wanted nothing to do with any parental request at this point and I was going to try anything-I even whipped out the fruit snacks (aka rot your teeth candy disguised as fruit otherwise forbidden in our home unless used as a bribery item). When I returned home there he  was in the basement playing with trains with some perk in his step. Def not the child I left behind as I braved Jewel on such a big holiday weekend. That was good news but of course Charito and I could not relax. We anticipated what the night held.

He slept the whole night through with no fevers and woke without a fever as well. He has been somewhat irritable yet with some pep in his step so far today. But we are not letting our guard down. His lips seem slightly pale. His mood is pretty good though. He asked if he could wear his super hero cape that Areum gave him and who would tell him no. And that prompted me to make our own DIY capes for Triston and Caden. That is how I will spend our day---letting my lil superheros tote around, dream big while Charito and I and wait....

and in case you were wondering...no, I did not get to see my family today. Poop on you, cancer.

Loosening the cancer leash

A few days ago Grayson had his first playdate AWAY from home! This picture says it all. That pretty little girl is M and she is the sweetest, most well-behaved little girl. Grayson sees her often when we pick up Triston from school. She is the sib of one of Ts classmates. After a few discussions over a yr ago with M's parents we realized T and M's bro were in the same baby classes at Gymboree at 1 yrs old. Small world. I knew they looked familiar when we first entered prek. Go to find out we have tons in common and they are absolutely the best family to get to know. You know the type of fellow mom you don't have to think of things to talk about bc the conversations just flow right into each other? That is the kind of friend I have in Ms mom. And to boot-M and G will be in the same class next year! G adores her and asks me everyday if he can go back to her house. And from what I hear the feeling is mutual.

Leaving him at their home was not as hard as I thought it would be.It was actually a bit surreal. But with baby steps we are slowly preparing ourselves for our "fragile one" to be apart from us for school  in the fall.  I completely trust Ms mom. She is as detail-oriented, worry wart and watchful as I am and she gets me and Gs needs. She kept me up to date w texts while Caden and I had our own alone time. I couldnt have asked for a better situation!

There are so many more play dates in their future! How lucky is G?!

And while G and M played Caden and I spent some time together.
I fixed myself up with some Starbux and grocery shopped in slow motion. Not my typical run in and out pace that I have become so used to these days. I shopped like the days when it was just baby Triston in the cart. Pointing out all the learning opportunities a grocery store has to offer. Caden does not get much of this and I loved that we could take advantage of it. By the way, I have such a sweet obervant boy!

 He picked out the flowers and loved smelling them. A few mos ago he wouldnt even go near flowers, something about them scared him.

Insisted on Doritos and luved on them like crazy!
It was a wonderful day! Thank you, Ms mom! Especially for putting me at ease!