Our Boy Wonder: Leukemia and Lymphoma Walk 2010 -September 26

As you may recall from my pre-LLS walk post I was a bit of a crumbled spirit. I was not looking forward to the emotions that I would possibly encounter on the walk. I woke that morning ready and willing to attend a charity theatre event w Triston and just couldnt find the umph to do it. I had no motivation. I didnt want to get out of bed. I wanted to circle all the kids and hubby around me and hold them tight all day long. I wanted to forget we had Leukemia in our lives. I wanted to forget alot of things. So, the rest of the day leading up to our departure I was pretty quiet and blah. I only showed excitement for the boys each time Triston asked what we were going to do that day and when he was going to see cousin Ayden. I told them it was a Leukemia parade with balloons. Balloons is all Grayson needed to hear!

We loaded up the car with Mamac and off we went. We all wore the color orange bc that is the color G was wearing the day of diagnosis and it just also happens to be the color representing blood cancers.

I had a pit in my stomach as we approached Gallery Park. The only thing that came to my mind until we found parking and I could get my mind on something else was this:

-the last time I was here was the Thursday ( 4 days) before Caden was born. I had a feeling that week the days of me and 2 boys were running low and I planned a picnic at that park. We packed lunches and played all day long. It was the first time I even noticed there was a sandbox there ( I hate sandboxes! They are giant kitty litter boxes as far as I'm concerned). I even let the boys play in the sand. Yuk! And then they ran themselves silly in the sprinkler pads (washed off the kitty n other critter poop). Huge laughter and smiles all around. They played perfectly together and so many moments I held back tears knowing that I was to deliver another extraordinary boy into this world in a matter of days. Another wonder to join these crazy two. Then we ended the day with a visit from the ice cream truck-Triston's fav!

-I remember taking amazing pics by Alysa weeks before diagnosis here. We ventured all around for the perfect, fun and loveable shots.

All this before cancer. I hate that there is this HUGE TEAR breaking up a before and after version and chapter in our lives.

We parked in our usual spot as we have for the walk for our dear friend R in the past. We headed to the site in usual mode of get here and there to register and submit this and that. But then the volunteers asked me at the table if we were walking for anyone. For the first time I wasn't saying R's name. I responded with my story. They made their apologies and blessings and directed me to the Patient Care tent to pickup a tshirt for G. The woman there was a support social worker and introduced her card and services to Charito and I. Here we were getting tutored like in the hospital while Triston and Grayson played at the kiddie section. Their little minds having no idea the perspective this walk had on us. I left that table with a "Survivor" tshirt for a Youth 7-8, the smallest size they had. My heart cried a little thinking Grayson was the smallest and youngest one to be given a "Survivor" tshirt that day. I debated not even putting it on him. Embarrassment? Shame? Guilt? Denial? I dont know. But then I thought-NO, NO! He is here, alive, smiling and ready to party. He is our survivor. A survivor of a mere 8 weeks of cancer but a survivor nonetheless. So we tied and wrapped and knotted that tshirt on our lil man's body. He really had this look on his face like he was pretty cool, it must be cool if it took 3 people to tie it on me!

Until it became dark the kids just played and we gathered all our friends around. We laughed, caught up, and just plain WERE.

We struggled to gather and untangle over 13+ lit up balloons before the walk began. That was quite the sight.

Right before the walk every year they ask for a moment of silence for those stricken with cancer that could not be with us that day. That was hard for me. I NEVER want that moment of silence to be for my boy. I prayed for that thought right then and there. I prayed that we attend endless LLS walks as proof we made it, GRAYSON made it. I want him to be 30 years old with his one kids walking alongside me every year. I prayed hard. Funny how you can be surrounded by hundreds of people and yet pull yourself into yourself so hard that you feel like the only one standing in that field...ready to be heard, ready to be helped.

The announcers switched to some upbeat music and encouraging words and off we were! Trailing behind hundreds of people. I almost immediately got behind from my group while caring for Caden in the Moby and staying beside MamaC as she pushed the stroller with Grayson inside. Within minutes G wanted nothing to do with the stroller. It was obvious he saw what everyone else was doing and wanted to be a part of it. I let him out and he paced his way through the crowd. He just trudged along w a big fat smile on his face. He kept pointing to the balloons, naming all his friends and family around him and imitating the crowd. You would think he would get tired on this 2 mile hike but he didnt waiver. The only times he asked to be picked up were when he heard a train in the distance and thought that maybe height would allow him to see it. Mamac kept asking him if he wanted to be carried (I know she just wanted to cuddle with him, I understood that) and he declined often. I knew right then and there that even though he did not understand the grand purpose, HE knew something. Deep down HE had something to prove. HE was showing us something, telling us something. He was, well...being the Grayson I know. Persistent, stubborn and ever so happy.

Finally it hit me along the walk, we had been walking a while and it was surprisingly quiet. By now it was just Mamac, myself, Caden, Grayson and the Keller family. I looked behind us and realized we were the only ones on the path. I dont even know for how long we had been the only ones. I was so in the moment of chatting it up with friends and watching Grayson build up his pebble collection along the way. I got a little choked up. My boy was doing this. All on his own. Determined. And we had friends and family alongside us was we inched toward the finish line. How beautiful.

By then I began to receive tons of texts wondering of our whereabouts. I hadnt seen Charito or Triston in over 1.5 miles. We turned the corner and there was the finish line...covered in a rainbow of balloons. As I neared I saw our whole clan standing under those balloons looking on for Grayson. No one had left. They could have headed home and put their babies to bed, get ready for the next work day, eat a late dinner, or whatever they needed to do...but NO. They stayed. They stayed to the end. Just like I know they will be here for us on the day cancer is an end for our family...gone. Triston saw us and ran toward me. I held my boys hands and leaned into Caden in the Moby for a tiny-mama's here-kinda-hug. We were steps away from that finish line. I glanced across the field of tents noticing the mass of people ending their evening and here we were inches from the climax of ours. All of a sudden G's CHOO CHOO CLAN cheered their hearts and lungs out and I lost it. G caught onto the excitement and ran toward daddy and the balloons. Cameras were clicking like crazy. It was such an amazing feeling. Inspirational. Calming. Inner quiet. Full of love. Endless support from irreplaceable people in our lives. I felt so warm inside.

Moments later we hung out a bit more while the kids played. We said our nitey nites and gave our hugs and kisses. I took a look around the tents and we were the last couple of handfuls of people remaining. As I was about to scoop up the boys to head back to the car a man came running toward G. I noticed it was a photographer. G was on a radio flyer car rider thingy and the photographer snapped away his camera. It was a sweet pic. I cried then. I cried bc I was flooded with two thoughts:

-what a sweet pic. What a story that man can conjure up just seeing a lil baby with a huge survivor tshirt on. A tear jerker kinda story.

-and then the sweetness of that photographer's moves abruptly changed to anger and hurt. The knowledge that it shouldn't be MY boy he is taking a pic of. NOT MY BOY! Not fair! Go away! All of it, just go away! It shouldn't be my boy, it shouldn't be any parents' child! That made me turn away from the ones I love and have my own little soft quiet cry to myself. I didn't want to look anymore.

But really, please know that overall that evening was an unforgettable experience filled with an abundance of love, smiles, and fire. It gave us a nice spin on those past 8 weeks of the nasty rollercoaster I didn't pay to ride on. I didn't want that ticket. No one does. But I look forward to next year's walk and the many more to follow. Holding my baby boy's hand the whole time!

Thank you and much love to the crew that walked-

Mamac

Uncle Neal, Auntie Mimi and Ayden

Uncle Mike

Uncle Tommy and Aunt Vicky

Uncle Dave, Auntie Najette, Aidan and Eileen

Uncle Joel

Uncle Kevin, Auntie Maria, Ro and Papa S.

Ate Lisa, JC and Cousin RJ

Ninang Leslie

And thanks to those who wanted to attend but were unable. I know you were there in our hearts!

And an enormous thanks to those who donated. We had so many family members who even formed their own fundraising pages to earn donations.

Our grand total was $1, 970.00. That's $970.00 over my original goal!!!!! Everyone of you are awesome in my book! The Cacal family thanks you from the bottom of our hearts, Grayson thanks you and the thousands of blood cancer sufferers thank you!

All my love, always.