Pre LLS Walk

I am tired and scattered and all over the place w my mind tonight. I dont care about grammar and punctuation, I am just rambling....I have the right to tonight.

Tomorrow is the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Walk. I am so grateful to the many contributions! We have raised over $1, 000 for team G's Choo Choo Clan! Our friends and family are amazing. So many people who organized their own fundraising page and actions. So many people donating from afar. Thank you! Everyone of you will be in my thoughts tomorrow and always.

I received a typical email from LLS yesterday afternoon about the 2010 Heroes, an advertisement and devotion to several cancer survivors. I clicked on the video thinking it would be a happy go lucky feeling. And it was, but it got me. It was the first time in many many weeks I cried over what could happen to G. What he could look like and put up with. Even though these beautiful children and adults beat the odds they still went thru hell to get there. It hurt. All this while I have been riding this shadowed road of treatment. Going thru the motions, doing what they tell me to do and when and where. Waiting for this or that. He is just sailing thru. It is such a fuzzy feeling that is gonna scratch and scrape and cut and bleed at some point-when? I havent really let myself go there bc I he keeps me going in the positive ( and I am not talking about death people bc that just isnt an option for us, I know it deep down). I dont picture him like most of those videos and pics and stories you hear bc it hasnt happened yet. And I have been told that it is possible for some kids w ALL to sail thru so seamlessly that the only lose their hair and have vomit fits and all the other things you have read about that G has experienced thus far and that is it. They just deal w it that smoothly ( I use that word loosely, please! None of this is smooth but you get my drift in the big schemes of things, the spectrum of it all). That could be G and I have to give him the benefit of the doubt that his body may simply react in that manner. But I am very well aware that it may not. Believe me, I am real about this and know it may happen any day now but it is only fair I embrace what great things he is showing me. And hope for a continuation. Yeah, Alysa I am liking and living that word HOPE these days. Your writings alone have opened my mind to it endless possibilities and fortunes. Thank you, friend.

Like this week-another great week! We actually attended a bday party today. Mainly bc it was outdoors and less germy, but it was still a great feeling. So great to see our friends again. I have been so out of the loop. He was shy and clingy and moody at first but after a bit he was a normal 2 yr old playing on the playground and chasing his friends. Having a ball w daddy and eating bday junk food like everyone else. He truly lit up that park and there wasnt even any sunshine today. With his smile and I am here and dont you forget attitude. He was the sunshine for daddy and I today. But it was wierd. Being at our first public event. My first public event. Yeah it was just a kid party but I couldnt help but think-who knew bout him? Cancer? Our past 8 weeks? Its funny how people ask how old Caden is and how I am feeling and how good I look. If they only knew. I know its what people ask when they see a newborn. I dont blame them, I do the same. But to know that there is this whole other side to our upside down life that makes those questions disappear in meaning for me. They care and I appreciate it but there are bigger things on my mind. I finally knew how Charito felt when he told me about those first few days back at work after our week in the hospital. People dont know about G. They congratulate you on Caden. And you put this fake smile on and nod nod nod bc deep down you ache for your other son. Of course you are over the moon for your new son but life isnt as happy and perfect as people think it would be w a new addition to the family. I truly cant describe it. We live by a totally different dynamic these days.

And thus I have realized that I am scared for tomorrow. It really was not until I saw that video. Tomorrow is an even bigger public event. One amazing event w everyone there for the same reason, a grand reason. But a reason I wish I wasnt apart of. I am actually dreading it. I am so fearful of the emotional toll it will have on me. Whether I am prepared for it or not. I have always been proud to attend this LLS walk for our dear friend R and her overwhelming and triumphant fight. We have been attending and donating for several yrs now. It is this walk that brought my love for Gallery Park to this day. The irony in knowing that I dont think of Gallery Park as the LLS place anymore. Each time I have been past there in recent weeks the only thing I think of initially is how T n G n belly C and I were there 4 days before C's arrival. Those wonderful pics I have of the T n G running thru the sprinkler. Me letting go of my freaky clean fears and actually letting them play in that sandbox for the first time. Me rubbing my C belly and picturing our lives as a family of 5 in a matter of days. Watching T n G run around and giggle w each other while I ponder how many days remain of just the two of them and our lil G actually becoming a big bro. The day ending w/ a smiley, giggley picnic and ice cream. I picture that tree we sat under w ice cream bars dripping down their faces and the two of the laughing at each other, thinking one was messier than the other and neither of them caring bc the yummy completion of that dessert was the highlight of their day. That was the last mommy date I had w my T n G before C entered our lives. It was so magical and it seems so distant and from another world now. A world I feel like I cant go back to, never return to. I hate that feeling.

So, yes tomorrow has me feeling very anxious. Within seconds of watching that video I saw how real this walk is to us. Not that I was living in a pretend world. A world of denial, not me. There is nothing fake about what I go thru everyday. What is happening to G's body everyday. I have just been holding on to the simple silence of the terrors that have not fully invaded his body or our home yet. The terrors and demon-like symptoms that have lied dormant to date. I have the right to enjoy that silence while I trudge thru the other monsters we have met so far-treatments and meds and diarrhea diapers and a flu of 50+ days and full on kicking and hitting and screaming fits and mood swings and exhaustion and limited this and that all bc of what NEEDS to happen to him in order for ME to get my old Grayson back. My old life back. Those same questions, the only questions that Charito and I sobbed to each other over and over again the night of diagnosis-What are we gonna do? Our lives will never be the same? How are we gonna do this? No joke-that night those were the only words out of our mouths as we sat alone w a sleeping child hooked up to equipment we never thought we'd see in our lifetime. A place in time no mother or father deserves to be.

Up until yesterday I just looked at this walk as an event we are now a part of ourselves rather than just supporters of. I always got teary eyed at the walk in past years but what now? Before yesterday I looked at it like this-We would attend, turn in our wonderful donations, smile for our lil guy who is doing big things, praise endless thanks to our family and friends, walk the 2 miles that will seem like a simple parade to my boys and head on home for a good night sleep. It is an event that we would have attended otherwise for R, but weeks after our diagnosis I felt obligated to attend for G. Like a guilty feeling. Like I wouldnt be doing my cancer family duty if we were not a part of. It felt forced. But tonight I KNOW it is what I need to do. We need to do. So that no other families in this world have that night of sobbing questions, devastation and heartache like we did. It is not fair that I am there tomorrow but my G will put it all into place for me. I just have a hard time confronting the faces of those that have been on this evil journey longer than we have. Seeing a glimpse of the paths we may have to take in the future. And of course when they offer up their prayers to those lost to cancer having to toss aside that horrendous thought. I just hate feeling so insecure all of a sudden. It hit me like a brick wall in the past 24 hours. I dont want to fall apart tomorrow. I know I am due but...I know we are all human but...I dont know. I cant explain it. I like just going about our business in our new routine of a medically consumed life and sucking up all the good moments and burying them in my forever file in my head. I am content in our lil private world for the time being. I will open up to support groups and other ALL families when I am ready. I KNOW I am not yet ready to do that . I am sure it will be when things take wicked turns but for now I cling to my slow turns and hold on tight. I am sure as nervous as I am I will see the good in the evening's events, just as I had in the past. I know in the end it will be a great night w the most unforgettable family and friends beside me but still. Its cancer and it sucks. It has literally sucked so much from us already I dont want anymore and I know there is SO much more coming our way. I cant tell you how uneasy I feel when I have to mention or even think the words-8 weeks into cancer. I cant believe it has only been 8 weeks. Seems so much longer. Like I said, like having lived 2 separate lives already. 8 weeks...That has got to seem like minutes to those who have been fighting for years. But seriously-he is not even 2!!! I know cancer doesnt care what race, financial status, family lifestyle, or age you are-it just chooses you. But turning 2 in couple weeks----Seriously!!!! AAAHHHH

I know that my family and friends will get us through our day tomorrow. They wouldnt be attending/donating if they didnt care from the bottom of their hearts. I really know that. Please believe me. I just have to come to the realization that this is a cause and walk that we will be attending til I die. And I despise that feeling, that fact. But, Charito will have to push me in my wheelchair at the ripe old age of 102! I will let you know after the walk if I fell apart. Or if the crumble effect that is bound to happen in me is still lying quiet and sober, waiting for the ulimate moment to wreak havoc on me.

But please know that I love you all and your thoughts and encouragement are never forgotten. You are our added fuel to this fire we call cancer and a fire we cannot wait to put out. The day cannot come soon enough. The day I feel like I can breathe again. Thank you, beyond words. I swear when this is all over we will create the biggest celebration anyone has ever seen. The world will know, Grayson will know what IT is he conquered and the life-long relationships that helped get us there.