A new year, new HOPE, more NEW

The only thing I can say about 2011 is that it was a rough one on so many levels. I don't know what 2012 holds but I know what my intentions are. In regards to the things I DO HAVE CONTROL over, I want more of this:

FAMILY!

A while back my friend Becky posted her new find for her home-a crafted Family Rules sign. And here I was writing them on poster board! I loved the idea but clearly did not want the same one as her, each family is unique you know. And as I searched online I just couldn't find the perfect one. Each one I found had one or two phrases that we do take part in but would not be on my absolute list of rules. I gave up my hunt and dismissed the idea. I knew what was in my mind and so what if it wasn't on some pretty piece of wood. And that's the thing, I didn't really see them as rules necessarily. I saw them as a blurb of what family means to us. What we hold and value as important. The things that shape us and our children. It is home. So last week I was on the hunt for after xmas sale ornaments and as I turned the corner and four aisles down I got a glimpse of this piece of work. I couldn't believe how perfect it was for us. It is what our life has become in the past 17 mos-SIMPLE! Needless to say, I smile each time I walk past it ( and it doesn't hurt that the kids like it, too!) This year more than ever we have done so much of these things. 

I want to see more of my hero SHINE!

More SURVIVING it all from each and every one of us! His spirit is contagious, isn't it?

 Lots and lots of time and loving on these three!

Even through all the dark times 2011 held there were so many glowing moments that I will never forget-our benefit, Caden's first bday, my new niece Charley (my Charley Horse),  friends and family coming to our rescue on the day of the flood/party, a new school year with a positive energy that continues to flow just right (Thank you, Becky!), Triston's K year plugging away wonderfully, the smiles and laughter from MamaC and Lula Mel when they see the boys ( I swear I have NEVER in 17 years heard either them laugh as hard and loud as they have this year! Tragic life changes alter your focus on life and happiness, don't they?), holidays AT HOME, Operation North Pole, Triston's hospital drive and so much more I am probably forgetting at this moment. What I DO REMEMBER is that none of it was possible without the amazing people in our lives, the old and the new. Insert tears here!

And there is more we have to look forward to! November 8, 2013! The projected date ending Grayon's treatment. He will just be turning 5 and completing 3.5 years of chemotherapy. All I can say is WOW! Can you say----HUGE PARTY AHEAD?!


May you continue to see the blessings amidst your darkness, challenges and obstacles. I know we do, no matter how hard it is sometimes. Again and always, thank you for hanging on for the ride with us and we will see you in 2012!

December happenings (intro)

Hello readers!
In a little over a week's time I pulled off a Lego bday party for the boys and a Christmas Drive for the hospital. Both are complete and were a huge success! I don't know how I pulled it off but I did. Could not have done it without a fantastic team of muscle workers, graphic designers, enormously huge heart-felt donations,  an "adopted grandma babysitter" and moral supporters. Some pics are up on FB but I will be writing about the experiences and how they came about soon. Now that these two big events are over I can concentrate on Xmas. I am a little behind and have all of tomorrow to catch up. Thank goodness stores are open 24 hours or til midnite bc that will be my shopping schedule for the next two days. If I don't get back to blog-land til after the holiday we wish you a very merry, healthy and happy holiday season!
love,
 Us

p.s Consider this our holiday card:

Perspective

"I am strong because I have known weakness. I am compassionate because I have experienced suffering. I am alive because I am a fighter. I am wise because I have been foolish. I can laugh because I have known sadness. I can love because I have known loss. I am a strong woman who has weathered the storm but still loves to dance in the rain!"

Borrowed from a fellow cancer mom's FB post.

November

WOW...been a while since I wrote huh?
Here is how I will rememeber November 2011 :

• busy busy work work (it did not slow down by any means and in fact it feels like it got even more complex as I wrap up a day that did not go as planned. As much as I LOVE my team this year I STILL hate the fact I have to work. Mama needs her babies and it has been really hard being unable to attend any class events at T's school this so far)
• a month of off  and on worries for Grayson. Even though by the beginning of the month he was back to 100% levels of meds and counts remained well through the month of October we still had to slowly creep back up to 100%. That meant weekly visits all of October to check counts and bump him up by 1/4s. But through all of that his counts held up great. The worries came with the crap any of us were bringing home. Triston had a stomach virus this month. Caden got a tad of it. G had a few loose stools but nothing causing a phone call. As on edge as we were all month waiting for something hospital-worthy we were grateful (and surprised) it didn't happen. I know it may sound like we were being pessimistic but it's kinda hard not when you are approaching yet another holiday you can only recall as hospital-spent last year. We were undoubtedly nervous it would happen again. Even Triston began to question what was going to happen this Thanksgiving. Almost every week of November there would be one or two days in which G seemed a little off before I left for work, didn't eat much while I was gone but then would perk up near dinner time. Dips in counts? Drops in energy? Mind games? Regardless, anything other than his usual, busy, active, crazy attitude self put us into worry mode. Made  any work day senseless. But either way that became our pattern. A day or two here and there with the rest being fantastic. A day or two here or there with us wondering if the wee hours of the night meant a fever or ER visit. We felt on edge all month. So many notes of conjuctivitis, viruses, pneumonias and who knows what else from T's and my own school. Sick (aka medical mask-wearing) season has begun! Tis our life.
• Triston had his first K report card. He did phenomenal. The only areas of concern were typical K boy stuff-reminders to pay attention (instead of socializing) and keep the socializing and sillies in check. Sound familiar fellow moms of K boys? Otherwise we continue to be more than pleased with his academics. He is reading near a 3rd grade level and his math and writing skills are really flying. His journals and interests in writing and drawing really impress me. I love it.  I am so proud of my guy.
• Caden has spent most of the month teething his way through 4 molars all at once. My first boy to put up with them chompers like that. My little guy who has slept through the night since he was weeks old has made for a miserable sleep pattern this month. I have been running on empty. They all cut early this week and now he is fighting the post teeth cold with congestion interrupting his evenings. I finally got smart the other night (after I almost cried myself to sleep with frustration) and put vaporub on his chest and feet. Wallah! Stupid me for not thinking of it a week ago!
• The 3 boys have really bonded even more so this month. Probably a good thing with cabin fever approaching fast. I brought home a gigantic shipping box from work two weeks ago and they continue to have a blast with it. Oh the things they have imagined! Watching Caden and Grayson depend on each for laughs and silly routines is priceless.
• My parents visited for a few days. We were able to spend one day with them and it never seems to be enough (but I will take what I can get). The boys had a blast of course. We had a mini thanksgiving (yummy beef sandwiches), laughs, football and more goodbyes. It always hurts.
• We finally fit in a thank you brunch for our faithful friends and committe members from our benefit back in April. It was long time coming. It was beyond wonderful to have us all under one roof. THEY make me so happy and warm and fuzzy inside. And of course a get-together like that always includes some tears. A mixed emotions kinda meal!
• And lastly, at any point in the future when I recall this month this is what will immediately come to my mind-cancer and more of it. Two weeks ago my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. A week ago my husband's second mom (Lula/Tita Mel) was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had to literally sit down and tell the love of my life that both of his moms will be fighting cancer side by side. That makes 9 family/ friends in 15 mos. Who in hell would believe that?! You can imagine the mood around this house lately. It is way too easy to feel defeated.

But in the spirit of Thanksgiving and all things positive it is pretty easy to find the "thankful" all around us. Regardless of diagnosis we are lucky to have these individuals with us here on earth. We can still talk to them, touch them and hug them. Let them know how much we love them and what they mean to us. I  continue to be grateful for G and his kick ass fight. HE makes it look so easy. It goes without saying how grateful I am for my 3 boys and hubby and the family and friends that support us. We have a home, food and jobs. We have each other.

And I am grateful (knock on wood NOW)  we are not spending Thanksgiving in the hospital like last year:

And as difficult as it was to be there on a second holiday in a row last year (first being Halloween) I will never forget the enormous hearts-of-giving from friends and family that provided us with yummy home-made food. WE are SO loved! I can still recall finally getting a chance to eat once G fell asleep and rounds slowed down. It was near midnight. I played some Dexter, shoveled down some food, looked over at G and shed some tears. We were halfway through high-doses of methotrexate and several more weeks of stays ahead of us and I wasn't so sure how I was gonna make it through the end of the year. That was a dark time for me. A very lonely time.

But we are in a different place now. The road is still rough but somewhat more manageable.  It has a unique undertone about it. It's own feelings of content and fear. I don't quite have a comfortable grip on it yet. But just watching G kiss days and nights goodbye as each passes us makes it a little more possible.  There's a little more normal to take advantage of (with those creeping unknowns and worries around the corner). We will happily take every little chunk we get.

So, thank you. Thank you for you. For reading along all this time and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I wish you a blessed Thanksgiving weekend with those who mean or meant the most to you. Each one deserves a place in your heart this weekend (as always). And if I am forgetting any other important events of the month-my apologies.

Addition afterthought:
 And as much as it is due to medical technology that we continue to hear more news of cancer and other irreversible illnesses I am still grateful for it. Without it many of these cancers would not have been caught early enough, particularly Grayson's and for that I am forever grateful. Thank you to the nerds out there who took leaps to discover such uglies in our world and battle science day in and day out to find cures. My hope is that one of those phenomenal nerds discovers a cure someday. And how could I forget the more than amazing people that care for our medical needs these days. As rough as it was to be in the hospital last yr for this holiday they still found a way to make it special for us (as they do everyday, holiday or not). It was memorable in its own unique manner. The doctors, nurses, child life specialists and other support members ARE our family. We are truly blessed to have them in our lives guiding us, laughing and crying with us and holding our hands every step of the way. I hope every fighter is lucky enough to have such  a comparable team on their side.

Post-Thanksgiving:
It was great! Brunch with Mimi, Neal, Mike, Ayden and Charley. Tons of playtime for the boys. A quick visit to see my gram at the rehab center. Good news from her-it is only stage 1 and yesterday she looked great. She looked too cute with her own set of all too familiar steroid cheeks. She was thrilled to see me ( I left the kids in the car bc them places are like petrie dishes!) and her box of danishes. Then we went home for a long family nap while the wondrous oven (thanks to delayed start and timed cooking) did the turkey work for me. By the time we woke I threw together some side and my filipino family joined us for a sit down dinner. Triston said grace, Grayson pretended to and Caden dove into the pancit before we could say Amen. By 7 pm it was just us 5 again, peering thru ads, watching movies and relaxing. A thanksgiving to remember.

Blew by

That is what October felt like. I havent written since early October which was supposed to be our only visit to clinic but you know how that goes...impossible to predict what direction leukemia wants to go in each day.

Early October started out fine. But then by the second-third  week of Oct (immediately following his bday) G just didn't seem right. That Monday is was TOO chill for my liking and I rushed home from work to run him to clinic. A weekend of little things like diarrhea, little appetite, a lot of sleeping and minor whines here and there snowballed into a pile worthy enuf of worry. I knew I just would not function at work or sleep that evening if I did not have him checked out. Well, his ANC had plummeted to I believe the 200s or 400s and previously being in the 3, 000s ( I cannot recall at this moment. the info is upstairs and I am lucky enuf to be updating you at this late hour right before a big day tmro). It was confirmed that he was most likely fighting some type of virus and we went home with all chemo meds held til the following Monday. Two days later he was back to his old self. The good news is that all the while he was "off" according to mommy's standards he never developed a fever. Dr. Kwon even joked w G as we left by saying, "Hey, G!" G said huh? "Mommy is always right!" Gotta love that man's humor when you get bits and pieces of it like we do! Even made me feel confident in my decision and not like a crazy person instead!

Since then he has been great. Great appetite and energy and counts. ANC has been in the 2000s and 3000s since that low episode. Hgb holding strong at 8.6 and 9.2 here and there. Weight gain is steady. Asthma under control w no increases in med admin. But since we held chemo (our home meds) we now have to slowly build back up to 100% doses. So each Monday since we are going into clinic for counts and the regularly scheduled push drug (like Vincristine) and upping his meds. Last week he was at 50% and now this week he is at 75 %. We should be able to go in on Monday and bump up to 100% w no prob. Yeah we spent some time there on Halloween yesterday but it was in and out and a nice quiet stop before the hectic halloween dress him and him and him drama began.

Halloween was great! Just us 5 walking the hood and watching every bit of G getting to enjoy this year (last year he spent it in the hospital for his first non-chemo related hospital stay-that was a scary one). Here we were w Caden walking it and Grayson running it! And there was no slowing Triston down! Lots of smiles this year. I had my Batman, Robin and firefighter. Pics coming soon.

As for the rest of us October has kicked our asses. Triston has been super busy with classmate parties, Awana and the end of the soccer season. Caden had his 15 mos aptmt and actually gained a pound n a half! Points for the puney! All is well w that crazy one! Charito and I continue to struggle to keep the house somewhat manageable and laundry from attacking us each morning. I have been drowning myself in schoolwork (NOT by choice!). I have been up to my eyeballs in IEP report cards, preschool assessment reports and IEP meetings. And now to start off my November I have Parent-teacher conferences til 6 pm tomorrow. Can you feel the excitement in my type-written words?! It has been draining but I just keep tell myself (everyone knock on wood right NOW) that at least we have not had a hospital stay since June (damn varicella) and xmas is right around the corner. Right?While dealing w work and other worries I hit a wall and had to escape. I have attended a couple of yoga classes in the past week and it has paid off. Benefits are short -lived for now bc of the overwhelming amount of work and home crap but it is still worth the pick-me-up. One of the few things I have done for myself since this all began. My goal for November-more sleep and more time for me and the hubby. I have been passing out w the kids or in the wee hours of the night w barely any conversation had between the two of us other than what needs to be accomplished as parents for  the next day. A steak dinner ALONE is calling our names!

THE THREE Birthday Weekend

That's right--G had an entire birthday weekend. It was filled with all the things this family of ours needed: FUN, OUTDOORS, LAUGHS, and ADVENTURE.

We began the events Friday morning  (October 7) when I purposely set out non-uniform clothes for T. He came in and told me I did it wrong and we revealed he was not going to school bc we had a surprise. Then we told him about Santa's Village. His jaw dropped. G immediatly thought that meant we would see the Polar Express! Oh boy! T couldn't believe he was gonna miss school for a family day. He was a bit worried and asked me to make sure I called school and told them he wouldn't be there but that he wasn't sick. Too funny. We got ourselves together and out the door we went.

 It was so much fun! Tiny enough to handle 3 kids with. Amazing how as a kid the place seems ginormous and now Charito and I laughed at how small the place really was. There was even a couple of rides that Caden was able to go on,t too.

My highlights of this day-Caden's excitement over pumpkins (his girly shrieks), Grayson riding (and feeling like) big boy rides, and Triston running around like a gnat tackling it all. There were a few rides that G was not tall enough for which was hard for him to accept bc he so wanted to be with T. We had to explain to him that if his body touched the green area on the stick he could go on. Well, you should have seen his face when he was in the green for the gian pirate ship, a ride I thought for sure T would avoid bc he and I both got nauseous on that thing at Kiddie Land yrs ago. But nope-they wanted to do it. G ran over to daddy and screamed, "Daddy I am green! I win!! I go on the pirate ship now!"

That feeling when your stomach is shifting up and down was doing me in. By the fourth and fifth swing T and I were ready for it to end. Each time we swung by the operator he would yell, "Okay guy, that is enough. Quite enough now. You can stop it now!". I was practically peeing my pants-picture my mental combination: I am nauseated wishing it would stop soon, Grayson is laughing hysterically bc not only is it fun for him but he is feeling that belly thing, too, and T is trying to bribe the operator all the while trying to hold onto G for dear life bc that little body of his felt like it was going to toss right out of that ship!

Their smiles said it all!

After Santa's village we headed to Red Robin for lunch and Goebberts Farm. For such a long day the kids behaved wonderfully. I love that feeling as a parent in our situation-no matter how much we are "out of practice" when it comes to outings as a family they still maintain their manners and behavior well. I love my kids!

We ended the day with naps and movie nite.

Saturday morning T had a soccer game. He gets so close to making goals! We regrouped at home and then headed to Old Orchard for fall shoe shopping. I can't tell you how this life of ours makes us miss the little things like being able to go to a mall and eat at restaurants. G was still feeling good and we decided to gauge each decision on his mood and appearance. Shoe shopping, dragon play  and an awesome dinner at Cheesecake Factory completed our day.

Sunday we had a lazy morning. We played in the front yard, set up a new car seat for G so that we could get C out of that annoying snugride, dropped off baby gear at church for pregnancy shelter donations, and visited dear friends for a bit. By the time we returned home that afternoon it was time for naps. We filled our evening with Uncle Neal, Auntie Mimi, Uncle Mike, Ayden and Charley for bday celebrations. With help from my bro Neal I pulled off an actual meal- pork roast, roasted potatoes, stringbeans and carrots, and croissants. It was wonderful to put my kitchen to full use again.

 When G couldn't find a Thomas cake at Jewel he chose this one. Fitting ain't it? It was adorable to hear him sing to himself. I even taught him that we were saying Goodbye 2, Hello 3. So whenever anyone asked him how old he was now he would repeat that phrase. Luv him.

Sunday evening party did not end until midnite. Ayden spent the night and the boys were in full force. Their giggles and play filled the house. I loved every minute of it. The 3 of them play so well together. They even had a campout on the liv rm floor with poprorn, pop and a pirate movie (a really neat dvd btw-The Secret of Pirate Island, interactive mode they chose paths and decisions for the characters). Even times like having my nephew sleepover don't happen as often as they colds and such get in the way between 5 kids. I loved spending the time with him just as much as the boys.

And we were spoiled bc we spent Monday with him, too. I loaded the 4 kids into the van, headed to a bday breakfast with the Lulas and Lolo and then met the rest of my family at Morton Arboretum. We agreed we wanted to explore beyond the childrens labyrinth  and garden. So, Neal found us some hiking paths and we hiked our little butts around. The kids were troopers! When we first entered G commented it was scary but once he got in he was great. T and Ayden loved chasing Neal and exploring leaves, fallen trees and crossing trunk bridges. It was so peaceful and serene. Caden insisted on walking some of it. Charley was content in the Bjorn. This place could be my anyday escape. I couldn't do it on my own w three kids but I am happy to join a friend anytime!

I felt so lucky to get to spend the day with my family on his actual bday. Work schedules and illnesses have complicated things. G is over the moon for Mimi and the fact he spent a day in the woods exploring with her was the icing on MY cake. They have this secret bond that just glows when they are together.

After the Morton Arboretum we napped and awaited the arrival of Lolo and Lula Mel for more cake and singing.

 Our tradition ever since T was one-a sneaky surprise of frosting on each kiddo's nose

His bday present Patch the Pirate a Laloopsy doll

His fav filipino dinner-pancit

It truly was  an entire weekend of birthday celebrations. I am grateful that we were able to pack so much in considering. He held strong and had a blast everyday. You could sense in his whole body, every movement, sentence and smile how much he was enjoying all of it. We all did. I told Charito that this weekend alone felt like an entire week of family vacation. Yeah, it would have been nice to go off somewhere exotic but we made the best of what is around us to enjoy. A little bit of new and old things we have missed over the year. It was an expensive, delightful and memorable weekend! We couldn't have asked for better weather and better times! Happy bday, Grayson and happy adventuring Triston and Caden!